Looking back, I am thankful. For without these seasons of being broken, my heart would not have been ready to experience the blessings and Joy He is waiting to pour out on me. My hands needed to be emptied off the things I was clinging on to, in order to receive what He wanted to give me. Broken, rebuilt. Broken, rebuilt. The cycle goes on, but we can emerge each time from strength to strength and from glory to glory, if and only if we are willing to release our own hurts and dreams to Him, and let Him be the one writing your story. There can be no lasting Joy apart from being with Him. And truly, no long-lasting Inside Out transformation would be possible.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Lessons learned from first relationship
It was a sweet period of 6 months of getting to know her and asking her to be official- as my first love. Abruptly, it ends on 15 Sep 2015 which came as a shock to me as I was expecting us to meet to talk about this issue, but certainly not to this extent! Admittedly, it's due to my fault of not reacting appropriately at many occasions and also frustrations from her side as she feels she always need to tell me what to do.
But still, an honest reflection from my side...
Overall, she is a really sweet and nice girl albeit a little controlling (shown by the creation of a green note book that details what I should do and not do, which is a put off to me actually. But because I love her, I agree with that, although I did attempted to bring out another book - a book of positives which does not come to pass).
I can see that she would like her future husband (unfortunately not me) to be able to provide the security that she needed, have a strong ambition/hunger for success (aka money/confidence), and one that is able to please her parents - which unfortunately I did displease her parents on a few occasions, especially the recent Ipoh trip, which is a catalyst for the break-up in this relationship.
Have regretted a lot of things that I have done during this small trip. However, what is done is done, and the only thing is to move on now (which is hard especially when I have gone in so deep). The deeper you go, the more the hurt would be.
Also, some thoughts that came out from my mind after this break up as an act to comfort myself and to move on..
If she can't even accept my weaknesses (which is a lot I admit), how then would this relationship be sustained in the long term? I did attempt to correct some of the weaknesses pointed out by her, but of course do stumble at times, whereby she would be instantly upset when I 'repeat' some of the mistakes. Did repeatedly asked her to try to focus on the strengths instead, but unfortunately it is perhaps the way that she was bought up, whereby she is attentive to all the 'minor details' which honestly shouldn't even been an issue in the first place..
Then there's a difference between 'church practices' whereby I might have to go to a traditional church, and to be honest, I am not sure whether I would be happy to do so (as she is pretty firm on this point and sees leaving her own church similar to leaving the parents, which I find the explanation absurd. Remember, I also leave my parents to come to Singapore to work, but that does not mean I leave them as they are always in my heart).
Have avoided arguing with her to the best that I can, and admittedly, sometimes it could just be too one-sided, whereby I might not even have any say on anything at all. Also, the fact that she decided to just break up without even wanting to meet/ doing a final closure upsets me greatly. Certainly not what I expect from a girl like her - a person that avoids confrontation due to fear..
Thus, my father may be right that it's probably the best for the both of us to break up, and that I should be thankful that she was the one who initiates this, as I am sure I would not be able to do so due to my character of being loyal, and one that would always try to resolve problems peacefully. Not sure whether she would even stay in contact or not as a "friend" after this, but probably not! On my side, I would always be open to discuss about this, as a friend.
There's definitely a lot to learn about improving myself overall, and this experience may show that I am not ready to get into a relationship - until I can improve on being attentive, financially more stable (which leads to confidence), generous and show high level of respect/understanding to the elders even though I may not agree with everything that they said.
Through this experience, I learned more about myself, improved myself a bit on the bad habits and most importantly experience the feeling of love and being loved, although it was not a fairy tale ending unfortunately.
I also realized that people around me are very supportive during this tough period and it certainly helps in the "letting go" part and make me realized how blessed I am, and how good daddy God is, that He did not let me go through this alone! I am blessed to have a good CGL, great parents, and nice colleagues who have advised me a lot during this period. Really appreciate all of them!
The next chapter in my life is still unclear to me, but probably I would devote more time in serving in church, feeding on His word, and just let Him be my guide in everything. I should not be forcing stuffs, but rather just rest on His unfailing love!
He certainly knows my desire for a life partner, and I would continue to trust in Him in that area, taking things more slowly the next time around (instead of going too fast like this one, which result in pain and disappointment)
A friend have experienced this similar issue, and I like what she have commented in the end.
For me, would like to end up this post with this verse (Romans 8:28)
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose..
And yes, this include the bad, the ugly, broken hearts, and everything. Just let all those things go, put it into God's mighty hands, and let Him turn it into something glorious!