Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Life Partner Desire
It's been 2 months since the break-up and since then, have not be in contact with her at all due to getting blocked, partly from my own folly. Life's been busy, and sometimes these questions still pops out.
Would things be different if I did not went back to my hometown? Is it all part of God's will - that we broke up, and if yes, why then even have the relationship in the first place?
Or is there something that God wants to show to me - about what a relationship is, and allow me to experience it first hand knowing all the problems that would come out so that in future, those would be expected? After all, I have jumped into this out of faith (and due to being attracted to her personality and the common grounds which we have in the first place), and perhaps I might not even be fully prepared to pay the price for it when we first started out.
So, you may ask what is the price to pay? From my limited experience, I would say that your life is no longer "yours" when there is a "someone" in your life. You got to learn how to care about the needs of your other half (not only your own need), and be willing to take comments (include criticism) which would involve change - and change is hard especially when there is a lot of change required. Ah yes, you would need to also be respectful of the elders and be tactful especially when there are disagreements.
Besides that, when differences arose in opinions/ different expectations, it's really important to talk it out - on why the frustration happens. When this happens (which will definitely happen in any relationship), both couple have to bring it up to the Lord and pray about it together. If Christ is in the center of the relationship (and He is our focus), honestly, I wouldn't think those frustrations etc would be permanent. Thus, I am concluding that perhaps when we were together, the focus is not truly on Him even though we might have done bible reading/study together, pray together and discussed about those expectations. Yes, we did almost all the "correct stuffs" which a couple should do, but still fall apart for some reasons.
Besides the reflection above, have also asked why do I even need a life partner in the first place. After all, Paul is also single right? And he can focus more on his ministry because of that.
After thinking about that question, my honest answer would be that I long for companionship and the fact is.... I do not want to live my life alone for the rest of my life. I want to have kids of my own, where I am able to experience the joy (and frustration) of parenting. I want the thrills of being able to love and be loved!
Have also been thinking what I would be looking for in a life partner. This time, I would be more specific when asking from God. The ideal characteristics/factors that I would look for is :-
1. Culture/background. I would prefer it if the girl is also from NCC, and serving in ministry. In my opinion, if both comes from different church, it could be a huge barrier especially when the culture of the church is also different (ie one practice speaking in tongues and another not at all). Or rather charismatic vs traditional.
2. Personality. She have to be wise, independent, patient, radiant, understanding and most importantly, "whole". It's very hard to maintain the relationship if the girl still carries some baggage from her past relationship, which do happens in my case often. She also have to be able to make decisions by herself without being too dependent on parents/what other people would say.
3. Chemistry/common ground. Without chemistry, it's hard to even begin a relationship. Of course, I would need to first know that I am able to communicate with her, and hopefully able to reach the stage where we are able to discuss deeper topics about our future, dreams, and how we can grow together in the Lord etc. The girl would also be able to accept who I am and not expect me to change overnight/to conform to the expectation of her parents etc.
Of course, admittedly my weaknesses could frustrate a girl at times, but it would be great and ideal if the girl instead be someone that is able to walk this journey with me, and instead gives pointers on how to improve and not be angry/frustrated when things are still not perfect/up to expectation yet.
4. Appearance/Looks. It's important to be at least someone that is pretty in my eyes. ;) Would prefer someone that is long hair though. ;)
5. Able to help each other grow together in the Lord through the word! This is perhaps the most important factor when searching for a life partner. When we are both focused on the Lord, indirectly, both of us would also go closer towards each other and as mentioned earlier, any differences/frustration would not even be an issue in the first place if this is the primary focus.
On my side, changes that would be required is :-
1. Being whole and secure. I need to learn how to enjoy being alone first (with the Lord), and let the wounds heal as time passes. It's selfish to carry my hurts and disappointment from my first relationship, and then have the next girl try to heal it. That is not the way either especially if my expectation is for a girl that is "whole".
2. Forget about financial concerns/being money-minded. This is one of my biggest weakness. I always worry about the cost of wedding etc when I am with her (maybe partly due to pressure that I need to get marry in 1-2 years due to her grandmother/mum expectation). Have to learn to trust the Lord in such areas and not let this even affect the relationship.
3. Learn how to lead. Have been talking with a Christian friend in workplace regarding this, and I do agree that a guy have to know how to lead the family. She did mention that being a leader in workplace does not mean you are a good leader at home. Probably one way is to read books on that - to improve myself in this area and besides that, pray.
4. Be more mature - in thoughts and able to handle my own emotions well. I believe this relates to point 1.
In short, as I am writing this post, I am praying and believing that God would help me and be with me in the preparation process towards receiving what He has in store for me in the future - include life partner, career etc.
In my opinion, no point praying about blessings if you are not even ready in the first place to receive it, which is why I personally believe the preparation process is more important than receiving the gift itself. As for how long the preparation process is, I would not know, but I know that He do knows my heart desire! ;)